Morning Musings

It's 9:00 a.m. and, unless something untoward happened to him after leaving me at the bus stop this morning, Ivan is on the road at last. Last night I got home and there he was, puttering around his bike, arranging the last few items of gear and, although I knew he'd be there, my reaction was: "Oh. You. Are you still here?"

Maybe it wasn't such an odd reaction because for weeks he was leaving on Monday morning. Yep, gonna leave on Monday the 13th. And there was, for me, a swelling sense of sad anticipation because he was leaving on Monday and I wouldn't see him for two.whole. weeks and everything was for 'the last time'. The last time we'd eat dinner together for two whole weeks. The last time we'd fall asleep together for two whole weeks. The last time he'd make me my morning coffee for two whole weeks. The last time we'd walk Sally together for two whole weeks. And when he walked me to the bus stop on Monday morning we held hands and kissed and stood very close together because this was good bye FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!

(I should note here that we've been together for less than six months so, yes, it's a bit syrupy but cut me some slack.)

Anyway, next thing I know : Nope, not leaving. See you tonight. Gah!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm glad we had an additional night together but this morning coffee was just coffee, the walk to the bus stop felt kind of rushed and as we held hands I wondered if I needed more hand lotion because they were feeling kind of dry. Talk about an anticlimax.

But I've had a couple of hours to think about it now and I think it was a good thing to have happened. He's on the road and I'm no longer starry eyed about the separation. I can plant myself even more firmly in the "This is an awesome thing you're doing!" camp and look forward to reading about his adventures on his blog. I'm less likely to worry about him. And I can simply look forward to meeting up with him at BM where we can set up our tent, fall asleep together, and have morning coffee together there.

More importantly, I can focus on getting myself prepared for my first Burning Man experience: What am I going to do? What and who am I going to see? What the hell am I going to wear? I'm glad that that he'll be there with me, but I'm even more glad that I'm going at all. I have tentative plans to volunteer at a few camps so that my experience will be focused on 'me' rather than on 'us'.

At breakfast a couple of weeks ago with Mark McB and JulieP, we talked about BM as an opportunity to explore and expand one's boundaries. I would also add that it can be about examining how one experiences life. I want to go to BM with intention: to do things that I've never done before, to take risks small and large, to look at life upside down and with clothes that don't necessarily match.

Ivan is on his adventure now. Mine starts in 2 weeks.

Life is known only by those who have found a way to be comfortable with change and the unknown. Given the nature of life, there may be no security, but only adventure.